Marc Hoover:
Return of the football widow

Marc Hoover

Every August, the NFL holds pre-season auditions for players not named Tom Brady or Aaron Rogers a chance to earn a spot on an NFL roster. Unfortunately, many won’t make the cut and have to get regular jobs like the rest of us. The real NFL games start in September. It’s my favorite time of the year. The NFL season means baseball is winding down and Halloween and Thanksgiving are lurking around the corner.

Marc Hoover

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Not only do I look forward to a great dinner, but I also enjoy the three regular scheduled NFL games that happen every Thanksgiving. A great NFL game is the perfect way to finish off Thanksgiving. If you are a true NFL fan, I just described paradise. So now let me describe a life in the abyss for someone married to a crazed NFL fan. This person is often a wife and mother. I refer to this woman as a football widow.

A football widow is someone in a relationship with a die-hard college football fan or an NFL fan. During football season, the football widow’s man will pay more attention to football than his wife or girlfriend. Furthermore, most football widows usually don’t care about football. They only want to know when it ends.

These women are left to fend for themselves during football season. If you don’t believe me, read some of the football blogs. These poor forsaken women pour out their souls to anyone who will listen. Just days ago, they were mothers, wives and daughters; they have now become America’s football widows.

They can be seen at the local grocery store pushing a cart full of kids, beer, wings, and nacho chips. You can easily spot them because you won’t see a boyfriend or husband anywhere. The men are busy at home warming up the couch and big screen television. I have seen these widows in the checkout lane buying these snacks for their men.

I want to tell them to step away from the beer and run away. Of course, this would never happen because these couples truly love each other. The separation during football season is only a ritual or what outsiders may consider a momentary lapse of reason. From what I understand, some of these men sit in front of their television sets so long they begin to grow cobwebs. You will recognize these men because they will have spiders nesting in their beards.

I have been an NFL fan for many years. I admit I own NFL memorabilia, pictures and cups of my favorite team. I understand the pain these women endure. Yes, I am a recovering NFL addict. I used to spend my entire Sunday in front of the television set watching anything related to a football game. I would also watch the Monday night game and the one on Thursday. Thankfully, I am getting better and spend less time watching football.

Most women don’t understand the madness that overcomes their man during an NFL game. They can’t explain what would make a grown man wear a Viking helmet or wear a dress and a pig snout and call himself a “hog.” I don’t understand the madness either. Just the mere thought of a 300 pound linebacker smashing a 200 pound quarterback is enough to send any man over the edge. Being a former addict, I can offer some helpful advice to the football widow. Give your man household jobs he can complete while sitting on the couch.

For example, he may be able to fold clothes or possibly vacuum the living room floor during a commercial break. It will only take some creativity on your part to come up with more chores. My final solution is to use this time to bond with your man. If you don’t know much about football why not research the game? If you become informed, you can sit with your man and enjoy the game with him. I can see the headlines: “The NFL bringing men and women together everywhere.” I can already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

Marc is a grandparent and longtime resident of Clermont County. Visit his author page Life with Grandpa and he also just wrote Just Bite Me: A Guide to Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves, and Other Walking Nightmares, which is available on Amazon.com.