Marc Hoover:
President Trump’s wall idea full of holes

Donald Trump offered up many campaign promises to the American public. One of the more fascinating ones was stopping Mexican drug traffickers from smuggling drugs into America. So can a wall stop drug dealers?

Probably not.

If nothing else, drug dealers are creative. If they cannot go over a wall, they will find a way to dig underneath it or go around it. So what’s the latest news on Trump’s wall?

President Trump recently told a group of reporters that the wall needs to be transparent. He said this means adding holes to the wall so law enforcement can peek through and see who is hiding on the other side. Trump said we can expect drug dealers to toss their drugs over the wall. According to him, nothing would be worse than having a sack of sixty pound drugs land on your head. The border patrol will need to prepare for flying bags of drugs.

I can only imagine a distress call from some border guard calling Trump’s border wall hotline to report any unusual incidents.

Border guard: Mr. Trump. My partner is lying on the ground with a bag on his head. He appears to either be napping or knocked out cold.

Trump: What sort of bag? A tea bag or a grocery store type bag? What happened?

Border guard: I don’t know. He was securing the border wall until a large bag came over the wall and landed on him.

Trump: Do you know what’s in the bag?

Border guard: No, I don’t. But you did say this sort of thing would eventually happen. You warned us about large bags of drugs being tossed over the wall. Can you send an ambulance?

Trump: Yes, I will send for one immediately. But stay on the phone so I can get more information. Can you check and see what’s in the bag?

Border guard: Yes, but I can only assume it’s the drugs you warned us about. Okay, so I am lifting the bag off my partner and checking the contents. This is weird.

Trump: What? What’s weird? What kind of drugs did you find?

Border guard: No sir, actually it looks like dirty laundry. Whew, does it stink. I just pulled out a few pairs of dirty boxers and a shirt with what appears to be covered in icing from a cake and lipstick on the collar.

Trump: So why’s your partner unconscious if it’s just dirty laundry?

Border guard: Hmm, it must be this case of beer in the bag. It’s too bad there aren’t any holes in the wall on this section of fence. My partner could have seen the person on the other side and moved away from the bag.

Trump: See, I just as I thought. We must have holes in the wall so we can watch these criminals. So why did this person toss over dirty laundry and not drugs?

Border guard: Well sir, there is a 24 hour dry cleaner just a mile from here. I take my uniforms there. They really do a great job on my shirts. If I was an illegal, I would sneak over to get my laundry done.

Trump (with an eye roll): Right son. Just make sure your partner gets to the hospital and let me know about any other funny business involving my wall.

So not only will border patrol officers have to worry about dangerous smugglers, they will always have to worry about getting hit on the head with large bags of stuff. And it’s not necessarily going to be drugs.

And with holes in the wall, does this mean border guards will carry on conversations with whoever is on the other side? I imagine guarding that wall will be a lonely job. What will they discuss? Football? Exchange recipes? Will they become Facebook friends?

Before you know it, some smart entrepreneur will find a way to put advertising billboards on the wall. So imagine the makers of Negra Modela, the most popular dark beer in Mexico, creating and attaching advertisements to the wall.

I can see the slogan: “Before you sneak over the wall, be sure to get yourself a cold and refreshing Negra Modela.” The only dark beer recommended by the immigrant here illegally.

Of course, street artists will find a way to spray graffiti on both sides of the wall. For now, the wall between Mexico and America is still as real as Big Foot. Still, the question remains. Trump has said he doesn’t think a wall will stop drug trafficking between America and Mexico. So if he doesn’t think it will stop drug trafficking, why bother building it?

Marc is a grandparent and longtime resident of Clermont County. Visit his author page at