George Brown
By George Brown

I’m an early riser. Now three years into retirement, my internal clock still wakes me up at 5:00 a.m., give or take five minutes, and this is so no matter what time I go to bed. I’ve always kept an alarm clock on my side of the bed, and have even used it on two or three occasions for fear of missing an early appointment that could result in a loss of catastrophic proportions. One such time back in 2006 comes to mind. I wanted to be sure we didn’t miss a predawn flight to Fairbanks, Alaska to begin a ten day celebration of our 40th wedding anniversary so I set the alarm for 3:00 a.m. As you might already have guessed, my internal alarm clock went off at 2:55 a.m. This always seems to be the way it works.

Falling asleep comes as easy to me as waking up. Most nights, within moments of my head hitting the pillow, I’ve drifted off into a trance like state. As Yvonne can testify, sometimes I must hurry to get under the covers to avoid collapsing on the floor beside the bed like a fainting goat. Yvonne says I sleep so soundly she sometimes checks my respiration to be sure I’m still alive, and I guess it must be so because I can seldom recall more than a slight bit of any dream.

Yvonne, on the other hand – God bless her insomniac soul – is prone to prowl about the house all hours of the night, until, finally near dawn, she slips into a deep sleep coma that lasts until mid morning. My explanation for this dualism in our sleep patterns is that the saintly satisfaction of sleeping soundly directly correlates with having a clear conscience. I’ve often wondered how I might help Yvonne with her apparent battle with conscience (I say “apparent” because I would not want to be judgmental.) Truth is, I would do or try anything, if I thought it would help Yvonne discover the joy and happiness of saintly sleep that comes from having a clear conscience.

And so it was, as though guided by divine providence, at precisely 5:18 a.m. last Saturday morning, while Yvonne lay in the bed thrashing about in an (apparent) conscience convicted coma, I found myself watching an infomercial about the Heavenly Wonder Mattress.

“This mattress”, said an attractive woman dressed in black lace lingerie, “is guaranteed to change your life forever.” I wasn’t sure if the woman was talking about my life or Yvonne’s, but she had my attention. She continued, “Let the soft contours of your body nestle into the luxuriously lush comfort of the Heavenly Wonder Mattress; nuzzle your cheeks against the soft Wonder Pillow that comes free with every Wonder Mattress.” Then she concluded, “Experience the sweet restful dreams that only the Heavenly Wonder Mattress can bring.”

With a smile on her face, the attractive woman dressed in black lace lingerie then reclined upon the Heavenly Wonder Mattress, closed her eyes and, presumably, drifted off to sleep. As the camera (and I) watched her nestle and nuzzle, a deep baritone voice announced, “Men, did you forget this is Valentine’s Day? It’s not too late to show her how much you care. Place your order for the Heavenly Wonder Mattress within the next 30 minutes and we’ll ship it with two day delivery, guaranteed. You’ll also receive not one but two free Wonder Pillows, all for six small monthly payments of only $59.99 plus shipping and handling. Show her how much you care. Order the Heavenly Wonder Mattress today, and remember this offer is not available in stores so have your credit card ready and order your Heavenly Wonder Mattress right now by calling 1-800-555-1212. Operators are standing by. That’s 1-800-555-1212.

I was out hiking when the Heavenly Wonder Mattress arrived on Monday – within two days, as promised. Yvonne told the UPS driver there must be some mistake, that we had not ordered a new mattress, but he showed her the packing slip with my name on it, and beside the packing slip on the carton was a picture of the attractive woman dressed in black lace lingerie.

“What in the world is this?”, Yvonne asked when I returned home. She obviously knew what it was without asking because she had already opened the carton and the Heavenly Wonder Mattress was spread across the living room floor, with the two Wonder Pillows laying beside it.

“It’s your…I mean it’s our new mattress”, I said, smiling. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Yvonne was not smiling, but I pretended I didn’t notice and went on, “I saw it advertised on television on Saturday morning and it looked like the answer to you having pleasant dreams instead of sleepless nights.”

Still smiling, I reached over to hug Yvonne, but she pulled away and, pointing to the picture of the attractive woman dressed in black lace lingerie, Yvonne snarled, “She may be the answer to your dreams, but your Heavenly Wonder Mattress is nothing more than a large chunk of foam rubber with two feather tick pillows.” Then, without giving me opportunity for rebuttal, Yvonne added, “You have a new bed for the camper and she can keep you company because that’s where you’re going to be staying for the next week. Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.”

Well folks, it’s mighty cold out here, but don’t worry about me. As long as the electric heater keeps working I’ll be okay. Meanwhile, I don’t know whether or not Yvonne is sleeping well, but this Heavenly Wonder Mattress isn’t half bad, and I’m sleeping with a clear conscience.