George Brown
By George Brown

I hadn’t planned on writing a second column about Yvonne’s broken ankle but so many friends have called or emailed expressing their concern about how I’m holding up with my caregiver duties I decided to provide an update.

When I last wrote, Yvonne was scheduled for surgery two days later. This delay was for the swelling to go down enough to operate. In the meantime she had to see our family doctor for a pre-op physical; you know, one of those “make sure you are warm and breathing” assessments that costs $150 dollars but reveals nothing about your medical well being that couldn’t be determined by just looking at you.

Nevertheless, we complied with the required visit. It went something like this. No changes in medical history – check; temperature, pulse, and blood pressure normal – check; able to feed self and eliminate without assistance – check; fog on mirror when held over mouth – check.

“Everything looks great except for your broken ankle”, the doctor remarked after completing the 5 minute physical. “I’ll prepare the report and send it over to the outpatient surgery center; and I’ll email a copy to you,” he added as he hurried out the door.

That afternoon I checked Yvonne’s email and, as expected, the completed medial history and physical exam had arrived. “Do you want me to read it to you”, I asked?

“Yes, please,” Yvonne painfully replied

I read the entire 47 page document to Yvonne, but I will just share a few brief highlights here. “Patient has normal range of motion and gate, though limited by and ankle fracture. Heart is of normal precordium on palpation, without heaves or thrills (apparently thrills would be a bad thing for Yvonne to have in her condition.) Abdomen is soft but not tender to the touch. External ears and canals and facial orpheus are normal. No joint deformity or pain – except for broken left ankle. In summary, this is an attractive, well developed, well nourished, robust, full bodied, mature female, clearly of superior intelligence, with no known psychiatric history. However, patient does report an anxiety disorder purportedly resulting from spousal stress. In all probability this is the result of a marriage of 48 years duration. Patient reports condition is successfully managed with medication and husband periodically spending time in a backyard travel trailer. In conclusion, patient is approved for ankle surgery.”

The next morning we arrived at the outpatient surgery center and Yvonne submitted to two hours of prep procedures before being wheeled into the operating room. Forty-five minutes later the surgeon met with me to review the outcome. “It went well,” he said as he handed me an xray revealing a seven inch metal plate with seven screws that were now a permanent part of Yvonne’s anatomy. “She will be in a soft cast for two weeks, then a hard cast for two more weeks. She will then be able to wear a boot but will have to wait two more weeks to begin weight bearing activity.” Then, looking me straight in the eyes with what seemed an expression of sympathy, the doctor said, “You do understand, she will require your total care and constant attention for this entire time, things like house cleaning, cooking, laundry…”

I politely interrupted the doctor, “It’s okay, doc, this won’t be much different than I’m already accustomed to.” Our conversation ended and the surgeon half smiled as he turned and hurried out the door.

Well, we’re now three weeks into the total care routine and, truthfully, it’s been almost fun. After all, my patient is the aforementioned attractive, full-bodied, clearly of superior intelligence female. This would explain why I didn’t even mind when she asked me to switch the 48” TV in the man cave with the 19” TV in the bedroom. I didn’t mind because with all the work I have to do I don’t have time to watch it anyway.

As much as I enjoy serving as chauffeur, chef, housekeeper, and personal care assistant (i.e., assistance with grooming, dressing, bathing, and so on), I must admit I look forward to those scant few quiet moments I have to myself each day (this usually occurs between the hours of 12 and 2 a.m.). This gives me time to do things I enjoy like rearranging the living room furniture and organizing the kitchen cabinets. And best of all, I can do these things without the least fear of being sent to the travel trailer!

Actually my experience as a caregiver is going so well I’m thinking of writing a “how-to” book on the subject. I’ve not settled on a title yet but ideas include, “How I survived 40 Days and 40 Nights of Caring for Lady Yvonne,” or simply, “Driving Miss Yvonne.” And, I’ve already outlined the content of several chapters. These include: “The art of anticipating her every want and need,” “The virtues of forbearance,” and “Tips and tricks to subtly ignore the bell, the whistle, and cell phone text messages.”

I don’t know if there will be a part III about Yvonne’s broken ankle, but I would happily welcome ideas from readers for the title of my book, as well as suggestions for additional chapters.

George Brown is a freelance writer. He lives in Jackson Township with his wife Yvonne.